Dear Apple,

I’ve never been a fan. I can’t deal with your one-button mouse, your walled garden, your multitouch gestures (which seem to contradict your approach to mouse design), and your general disrespect for enterprise-compatible behavior. Finder sucks, spotlight fails in common large-scale use cases involving anything that isn’t AFP, and the last iOS update I ever applied to my original 8GB iPhone broke Wifi irrevocably.

It has occurred to me that I’ve never, ever paid for an apple device. I’ve paid small amounts for things like accessories, cases, screen protectors, but never for a piece of gear. And since about 2005 I’ve been given free Apple devices in a variety of raffles, contests, and now a recall situation. Thus far, I’ve received for free:

First Generation iPod Nano, black, engraved with an Isilon Systems MVP note
8GB iPhone (original 2g)
Second Generation iPod Nano, Red
iPad 1

Recently, you recalled my old iPod Nano. I was sad to see the engraving go, but I was curious as to what the replacement would look like, since I was fairly certain you had no more first generation iPod Nanos in stock. I was right. You sent me one of these.

Turns out, all you had to do to break the ice was to make your music player really, really tiny, then give it a touch screen. I’m freaking fascinated. I am super-impressed with this device. I’ve been using it a lot, particularly when I want to listen to music while I run or work out but hate carrying a whole phone in my pocket. It’s got a radio and a pedometer, and displays photos, and even has an amusing clock face widget. The face of this device is roughly the size of my real watch’s face. It is TINY.

Now that the ice is broken, I’m ripe for religious conversion. All that is required from you is something which tells me you mean it. I think that a loaded Mac Book Pro would push me over the edge and convert me to a fanboi. You’ve sent me enough stuff that I’m sure you know where to find me.

Thanks, and I will keep an eye out for my free Macbook Pro.